If you’ve recognised the importance of emotional intelligence (EQ), then—like millions of others across the world—you’ve probably asked: “Am I an emotionally intelligent person?” If the answer to this question has been supplied through means of a test, you may relax about the matter—unless of course the result wasn’t a good one. So you have low EQ… What now?

 

Low EQ isn’t something to get all worked up about. Emotional intelligence can be cultivated and strengthened as you progress in life. This is something that should never end. It’s a journey of sorts; an adventure that will bring much self awareness and relationship satisfaction. It’s important to exercise your emotional intelligence the same way an athlete trains his or her body.

This article will direct you on this journey of EQ development. Here are nine ways you can hone your social skills and grow your emotional intelligence little by little.

 

1. Ask the right questions

A wise first step in improving your EQ is by asking relevant questions. These questions will highlight which areas of your interaction with others need to be worked on. Most of these questions relate to your feelings, so it’s important to be honest with yourself and face any difficult realisations head on.

Questions you should regularly ask yourself include the following:

• Do you work better on your own, or as part of a team?
• When it comes to other people’s arguments, do you consider yourself a peacemaker?
• Does change make you uncomfortable, or are you up for new and challenging situations?
• Do you often take note of how you are feeling in certain situations?
• Do you ask yourself why you are feeling a certain way once you’ve recognised an emotion?
• Are you a person who sets short term, mid term and long term goals for yourself?
• Are you empathetic to the feelings of others?
• Are you often able to see others’ points of view in conversation?
• Can you easily persuade someone to do something?
• When you get angry or sad, do you stay that way for long or do you recover quickly?
• Do you find it easy to admit when you’re wrong, or are you rather defensive?

 

2. Meet new personalities

One of the best ways to develop your emotional intelligence is to surround yourself with different kinds of people. Humans differ in temperament, views, and of course emotional intelligence. Learning about different types of people will expand your understanding of various personalities and how to deal with them.

There are many ways you can do this. For one, take a look at the people you work with. There are probably people you speak to every day because you either get along with them or because you have to work with them. Consciously train yourself to direct your attention to others in your office—or the office next door? Make a point of getting to know people on a deeper level. What are they passionate about? How do they see things differently to you? What emotional value can they bring to your life? Reach out to people and you will be amazed at how connected you begin to feel with others.

 

3. Go out of your comfort zone

In order to meet new people you need to move outside your usual comfortable routine. Expand your circle wider than your work place and family life. Go out to events and meet new people as often as you can. For people who struggle with emotional intelligence, engagement with others is uncomfortable. This is the time to break out of your comfort zone and force yourself into social situations.

Learn to say ‘yes’ more often. If you’ve been invited to a social event, instead of making excuses why you can’t go, rather just shut your eyes, clench your teeth, and go! You will be forced into social situations that call for one-on-one or group engagement. This will not only give you the opportunity to meet new people, but will also help you learn about yourself and how you engage socially. As you begin to recognise social aspects in others, you will also begin to learn how to analyse those same aspects within yourself.

 

4. Start to take a genuine interest in others

While you engage with new people—and people you’ve known for long periods of time—you will begin to notice social characteristics about them. However, it takes a concerted effort to notice subtle aspects of someone’s personality and character. Make this effort, and begin to identify with people on their own level.

It takes all kinds to make the world. Some aspects you are likely to notice include the following:

• Some people will use humour in uncomfortable social situations in order to feel included. Laugh at their jokes and make them feel at ease when they’re around you.
• Others will be shy and be better at listening than voicing their own opinions. Ask these people questions and affirm their views as valid.
• Outspoken people will have no problem with confidence. They will look others in the eye, force themselves into others’ personal space, and interact with them effortlessly. If you’re the opposite kind of person to this, watch and learn to pick up social habits from these kinds of people.

Once you’ve recognised a personality type, it’s easier to socialise with that person on their level. With any luck, they will do the same for you. At this point, it’s helpful to learn more about the person through questions. Find out what their interests are, what motivates them, what lights up their eyes, etc. People will feel connected to you if you ask them about themselves. That’s because most of us love talking about ourselves for the sole reason of wanting to be heard.

 

5. Read and use body language

There’s more to observe than the words people say. Body language is a dead giveaway to how people are really feeling and you can use this to benefit communication with others. Many of us don’t realise that it’s almost impossible to hide our true feelings in a social situation. If you’re uncomfortable, people will pick up on it. If you’re uninterested in the conversation topic, people will know. Body language externalises your true emotions. Your arms, legs, hands and feet all tell a story about how you are feeling. So what are you saying to others, and what are they saying to you?

Once you understand how to read the subtle messages of others, you will begin to know how to react to those people in a way that makes them more comfortable. When people are comfortable around you, they will be more likely to open up and trust you. This is a sure way to connect with people who would otherwise remain strangers.

It’s equally important to be aware of your own body language. You are sending subconscious messages to the people around you, and it’s an essential part of emotional intelligence to recognise what messages you are conveying. If you’ve often felt that people struggle to relate to you, it’s very possible that your body language is to blame. An essential part of emotional intelligence is recognising the way you feel, and dealing with the reason why that feeling has surfaced.

Taking the time to research this enables you to gain a wider understanding of how to read the body language of others and use your own body language to help relationships grow.

 

6. Disagree without being disagreeable

Not everybody you meet will have the same opinion as you. While having views in common is a great way to connect, it’s important to embrace those who see things differently. You can do this without sacrificing your own opinion. It’s called disagreeing without being disagreeable. Some people struggle with this because they feel strongly about certain topics; but those who have mastered this stance are happier people because they aren’t frustrated by the falsely perceived ignorance of others.

Remember that other people have had different upbringings, different relationships, and different experiences from your own. They see things differently to what you do and have their own perceptions. More often than we’d like to admit, we have a tendency to try and force our opinions on others. This is a big mistake in any relationship. Accept the views of others, voice your own in a non-aggressive way, and move on without any hint of discrimination. In fact, people are more likely to explore your views when they don’t feel forced to do so.

 

7. Listen to understand, not to respond

In relationships, disagreements will arise. A major part of emotional intelligence is not avoiding conflict, but handling it correctly. It goes without saying, however, that you will never resolve conflict to the satisfaction of both parties unless you are a good listener. The problem with many people is that they listen in order to respond, rather than to recognise the other person’s point of view. Good leaders are experts at resolving conflict among themselves and others because they know how to listen in a constructive way.

When someone takes the time to confront you about a disagreement, listen closely to what they are saying. Their concerns must make an impression on you or they will not feel heard. Most people won’t take the time to listen to your side of the argument unless they feel that you have heard them out. It takes a lot of patience to see a situation from someone else’s perspective without wanting to push your own perspective to the front of the queue; but this is the secret to conflict resolution. It takes time and practise, but learning this habit is well worth the effort.

 

8. Ask people how they feel

We’ve already discussed how body language and conversation are telltale signs of someone’s emotions. Another great way to figure out how people are feeling is to simply ask them openly. When you ask people how they feel about a situation or a conversation, they immediately feel as if you are taking an interest in them. The question, “How does that make you feel?” is a powerful social tool.

Asking people how they feel in a situation also helps that person recognise their own emotions. This will assist them in recognising the emotion as nothing more than a feeling, and subsequently help them deal with it correctly. This social tactic is excellent at calming down those who are prone to anger. It’s also a great way to help people through sadness, depression and fear. Once you help someone recognise their current emotion, both of you will be fully equipped to handle it properly.

 

9. Test your EQ once a year

As you continue to work on your EQ, make a point of evaluating yourself on an annual basis. If you’re serious about improving your emotional intelligence, you will be encouraged when you see progress. There are lots of online tests you can take which will score various EQ areas. Do these tests once a year and see where you’ve improved.

Testing your own EQ regularly will also highlight areas you still need to work on. Focus on these areas and you’ll soon see your relationships improve—at work and at home. Self evaluation is powerful. It will remind you of why you’re trying to improve, and emphasise how those improvements should be made.

 

Work and family provide adequate arenas to develop emotional intelligence, but being around strangers is so much more enriching in this regard. Social and emotional intelligence don’t come naturally for everyone. For some of us, it’s a skill we need to work on daily. Hopefully these points will motivate you to begin the journey of improving and maintaining your EQ. Go easy on yourself, and take it one step at a time. Before you know it, many of these points will become habits that come naturally.

Logic is part of the human brain’s natural capacity. Problem solving, spatial reasoning & math are different forms of logic our brains are capable of. The better you are at these and other areas of thinking, the more ‘intelligent’ experts will say you are. The aspect which is represented by these capabilities is IQ and it’s measured by IQ tests that determine your level of logical intelligence.

Apart from this, there’s a different kind of intelligence that is equally important. Emotional intelligence has to do with how we interact with other human beings. It’s about empathy, compassion, communication, leadership skills, relationships, and more. When it comes to these aspects of feeling, logic doesn’t play a huge role. The aspect we focus on here is emotional intelligence; or EQ.

The same way your IQ can be measured, so too can your EQ be determined through various assessments. Your emotional state of mind can be dissected and analysed so thoroughly, that experts can now tell you whether or not you have a propensity to get along with your work colleagues, your family and even your partner. Let’s take a quick look at why it’s important to be curious about your EQ.

 

Why should you care about your EQ?

So you may be wondering why emotional intelligence is something you should care about. How does it affect you and why should you take note of it? The answer is simple. Every human being has an inclination toward relationships. Some of us enjoy being alone more than others; but all of us need some form of companionship in our lives.

You and I cannot avoid working with people. As a society, we are all interwoven with each other. More than that, we need each other. Daily tasks force us to deal with people. Even going to a shop requires this skill and you can’t learn anything unless you form a relationship with your teacher. Interaction with other human beings is an exchange of questions, ideas and personalities.

For this reason, recognising your own EQ—and the EQ of others—puts you in a position where relationships can be better understood. This will help you to connect with people on a deeper level. Once you achieve this connection your nature and approach to life are impacted. Your career, your family life and your friendships will begin to thrive. EQ is the door to understanding the people around you. You can also apply these skills to try improve other people’s understanding of you.
Who discovered the concept of EQ?

In 1989, Stanley Greenspan, a psychiatric professor, suggested that people could be emotionally intelligent. His theory suggested that this category of intelligence was independent from logical intelligence and that the two were in fact mutually exclusive.

The phrase ‘Emotional Intelligence’ was coined by other experts such as Peter Salovey and John Mayer. Only in 1995 however, was the term popularised by Daniel Goleman. Goleman wrote a book called “Emotional Intelligence: Why it can matter more than IQ”. The public took instant notice of how important EQ was and how it affected their day-to-day lives, their careers, and their relationships.

Daniel Goleman’s book speaks at length about what emotional intelligence is, how it is developed in children, and how it affects our everyday lives. When people started to realise that EQ was a real phenomenon which was affecting them without them even realising it, the idea influenced how people approached life and relationships. Today, emotional intelligence is a measuring tool used by managers, personnel agents and even dating sites. It’s all about measuring your emotional potential for the purpose of highlighting your strengths and areas for development. Knowing what you’re good at and what you struggle with will enable these entities to place you in more compatible positions and situations. It’s a powerful concept which is changing the way we do business.

 

What distinguishes EQ from IQ?

Since we’re talking about two different types of intelligence here, it’s important for us to distinguish between the two. You’ll find it interesting how different these two ways of thinking are. When it comes to logical thinking and emotional thinking it’s a case of reason versus passion. Both are important, so let’s see how you can recognise each one respectively.

 

• Logical thinking

People who think in a severely logical way can come across as cold and robotic. They are extremely good at solving problems, carrying out instructions and organising information. Logical thinkers prefer to have a task presented to them in an organised, step-by-step format. They will listen closely to what you want done, how you want it done and when it needs to be completed.

 

• Emotional thinkers

Emotional intelligence opens up a different way of thinking. These people are more relationship orientated and will be more inclined to look at a task close up. Emotional thinkers are more interested in the ‘why’ of a task rather than the ‘what’, ‘when’ & ‘how’. They take initiative and sometimes go off track to reach a more creative outcome.

A balance of both types of intelligence is important. People who are too logical may struggle with relationships, while people who are not logical enough will seem whimsical and easily distracted. Emotional intelligence does seem to have a bigger impact though, especially in the work place. Why? Think of someone who can’t work well with other people. This person will inevitably begin to dislike his or her job and alienate themselves from others. Low emotional intelligence will also impede a person’s ability to work in a team, which is an important aspect to many businesses.

 

How can EQ be measured?

The best way to measure someone’s emotional intelligence is to ask them questions about themselves. These questions can be broken down into five main categories—although there are a lot of different tests out there which each utilise their own respective systems.

Emotional intelligence tests will focus on the following aspects of your personality:

• Trust
• Personal growth
• Relationships
• Communication
• Leadership

The following types of questions (and subsequent similar ones) may be asked to establish these aspects:

• Trust: “Do you get the impression that the people in your life trust you?”
• Personal growth: “How do you handle new challenges in the work place?”
• Relationships: “Do people open up to you freely or do they seem guarded around you?”
• Communication: “How do you handle conflict in the work place?”
• Leadership: “How would you handle a situation where a person under your management didn’t deliver a task you gave them?”

The feedback gives the questioner in-depth knowledge into the way the subject thinks and acts in various situations. The subject will obtain an overall EQ score which will determine whether or not he or she is compatible with the position in question.

 

The important role of EQ in the workplace

Emotional intelligence will affect the way you work with others, the way you lead, and the way you grow within a company. Because of this, companies are beginning to evaluate their applicants’ emotional intelligence before offering them jobs. There’s a good reason to do this: productivity. The better suited an applicant is to a position, the more productive they will be during their time there.

There are a number of employee performance aspects which are important to managers. Each one is directly related to emotional intelligence, which is why they will measure this before employing or promoting someone. Let’s look at five of these aspects.

 

• Leadership skills

Emotionally intelligent people are good at leading others. That’s because they are able to connect with people on a personal level, which generates loyalty, respect and trust.

 

• Working well with others

Because people with high EQ connect so well with others, they are able to form a synchronicity as a team. When a team works well together, productivity soars. Productivity is unavoidably reliant on how well employees get on with each other. If there’s hostility or indifference in the workplace, work will take longer to get done and conflict will get in the way of daily tasks.

 

• Drive & ambition

Emotionally intelligent people enjoy being challenged. They see these challenges as opportunities to shine. By overcoming challenges and constantly learning, individuals can be promoted within the company and become indispensable assets.

 

• Conflict resolution

People with low EQ will usually shy away from conflict or react aggressively when challenged or criticised. This can be due to an inability to communicate well or work through inner conflicts brought about by self-doubt. This means that problems—especially relationship problems—never get resolved. In contrast, people who are emotionally intelligent will meet conflict head on and handle it in a productive way towards eventual resolution.

 

• Honesty & reliability

Workers with high EQ have a natural empathy for others. This motivates them to think twice before coming to work late, ignoring tasks or betraying someone’s trust. Trust in a company is invaluable, and employees who can be trusted will go far within a large corporation.

To sum it up; EQ is vital to career success. Companies don’t want temporary workers who dislike their jobs and their colleagues. They want natural born leaders who grab each day by the horns and make the most of their day.

 

How EQ affects other aspects of your life

EQ also plays a major role outside of the workplace. Our relationships are unavoidably affected by the level of EQ we possess. In the same manner that our regular intelligence can be worked on, our emotional intelligence can be improved too. This will take time, effort and guidance. Why is this worth doing? Let’s look at some of the areas in our lives which will be affected when we aim to improve our emotional intelligence.

 

• Romantic relationships

Knowing who you are and how you relate to others is a major factor in making your relationship with your partner work. In fact, if you aren’t able to connect on some level with other human beings, you’ll probably never get to the point of allowing someone into your life and starting a life with them. Even after this does happen, staying with the same person for the rest of your life takes work, commitment, understanding, compromise and trust. All these aspects are intrinsically connected to the EQ of both people involved.

 

• Parenting

Children require a lot of patience, compassion and guidance. Kids also need their own emotional intelligence cultivated; and it takes an emotionally intelligent parent to make it happen. Parents with high EQs tend to make excellent parents because they are great communicators, effective leaders, and resourceful teachers.

 

• Friendships

Very few people have more than two or three real friends that they can count on in any situation. Cultivating real friendships is often a lifelong process—and a lot can go wrong in one lifetime. With good conflict resolution abilities, excellent listening skills, and true compassion, friendships can grow to become your support system and benefit your life. Emotionally intelligent people not only find it easy to make friends, but they are experts at retaining them too.

 

Cultivating an EQ culture at work and at home

Daniel Goleman’s book is full of useful advice on how to recognise emotional intelligence in ourselves and in others. He also teaches how important it is to cultivate emotional intelligence in children from as young an age as possible. More than that, Goleman also emphasises how important EQ is in the workplace. Since his book was published in 1995, many people have taken note of his advice and created a culture of EQ recognition in their lives and businesses.

 

Today, emotional intelligence can be recognised, measured and cultivated. This is for the benefit of people and businesses.  If you haven’t yet taken note of your own EQ and that of the people you surround yourself with, do so now. It’s a journey well worth taking. Now that you know the basics, you can incorporate it into your life through study and practice.